The Hotel Sketch, by Doug Case and Ken Wilson

Characters:

Receptionist, female, Italian

Tourist, male, British

The receptionist is standing at reception. The tourist enters

Receptionist:    Ah! Bongiorno!

Tourist:             Pardon?

Receptionist:    Bongiorno!

Tourist:             Sorry. I don’t speak French. Do you speak English?

Receptionist:    Che?

Tourist:             Sprechen Sie inglese?

Receptionist:    Ah! Inglese! Si! Good morning.

Tourist:             Good evening.

Receptionist:    Good evening. Welcome to the Hotel Splendido.

Tourist:             Thank you.

Receptionist:    (Looking at his shirt) Mama mia! Look at that!

Tourist:             (Alarmed) What? Look at what?

Receptionist:    La camicia!

Tourist:             La camicia? Oh! You mean my shirt!

Receptionist:    Yes.

Tourist:             Do you like it?

Receptionist:    No.

Tourist:             No?

Receptionist:    No. It’s horrible!

Tourist:             I beg your pardon?!?

Receptionist:    It’s horrible. But for you, it’s a good shirt.

Tourist:             Thank you.

Receptionist:    Because when people look at you, they look at the shirt.

Tourist:             I know.

Receptionist:    And that’s good. Because if they look at the shirt, they don’t look at the legs/trousers.*

Tourist:             What?

Receptionist:    And the legs/trousers* are really horrible.

Tourist:             Now listen. I didn’t come here to be insulted. I want to book a room.

Receptionist:    You want to book a room?

Tourist:             Yes. Have you got one?

Receptionist:    What? A book or a room?

Tourist:             A room. Have you got a room?

Receptionist:    Yes! We’ve got lots of rooms. It’s a big hotel.

Tourist:             Yes, but have you got a room that’s free?

Receptionist:    Free?!?

Tourist:             Yes.

Receptionist:    No. You have to pay for it!

Tourist:             No! I mean – have you got a room with no one in it?

Receptionist:    A room with no one in it?

Tourist:             Yes.

Receptionist:    No bed, no table?

Tourist:             No, not a room with nothing in it. A room with no one in it. No people.

Receptionist:    (Understanding) Ah!

Tourist:             Finally….

Receptionist:    I don’t know.

Tourist:             Well, can you have a look in the book?

Receptionist:    A look in the book?

Tourist:             Yes. Have a look in the book!

Receptionist:    OK. (Receptionist has a look in the book) I had a look in the book.

Tourist:             And what do you think?

Receptionist:    It’s a nice book.

Tourist:             Look! Have you got a room or haven’t you?

Receptionist:    OK! OK! (She looks in the book again) OK. We’ve got a room.

Tourist:             Good.

Receptionist:    A single room.

Tourist:             No good. I need a double room.

Receptionist:    Ah yes! For you and your shirt!

Tourist:             No! I’m here with my wife!

Receptionist:    With your wife? Where is she?

Tourist:             (Looking around) I don’t know. She’s very independent.

Receptionist:    (Looking in the book again) OK. We’ve got a double room.

Tourist:             Good! How much is it?

Receptionist:    How much?

Tourist:             Yes.

Receptionist:    (Indicating the dimensions) It’s about this long, and this wide, and this high.

Tourist:             Not how big! How much!

Receptionist:    Oh! Ten pounds.

Tourist:             (Pleased) Ten pounds? That’s marvellous!

Receptionist:    Ten pounds for you, ten pounds for your wife, and fifty pounds for the horrible shirt!

Tourist:             Fifty pounds for the shirt! That’s ridiculous!

Receptionist:    It’s a ridiculous shirt!

Tourist:             Now you listen to me! I don’t like your attitude!

Receptionist:    And I don’t like your shirt.

Tourist:             Right! That’s it! I’m going to complain to the manager.

Receptionist:    Complain to the manager? Why?

Tourist:             Because you are the worst receptionist I’ve ever met in my life!

Receptionist:    Thank you.

Tourist:             Don’t you understand? If I report you to the manager, you’ll probably lose your job.

Receptionist:    I don’t mind.

Tourist:             You don’t mind?

Receptionist:    No. I lost my job this morning. I don’t work here any more. I work at the hotel next door. Now – you come with me.

She takes him by the arm and moves towards the exit

Receptionist:    I’ll book you a room in the hotel next door.

Tourist:             But what about my wife?

Receptionist:    She’s very independent, no?

Tourist:             She’s very independent, yes!

Receptionist:    OK. She can stay at this hotel.

They exit together

Legs if the tourist is wearing shorts; trousers if he isn’t 🙂

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